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Exclusive GBA Upgrade Report
Post at 09/10/02,
10:30 pm by John
Every so often we are contacted by our associates in high places
at Nintendo's Japanese headquarters (these days you have to have such un-named
contacts to be considered a highly regarded and well informed website). As you
may well know, the past week has seen many rumours storming across the net regarding
an upgraded GBA, or GBA2. Today, we reveal exactly what Nintendo have been working
on behind closed doors, and have exclusive information from one of the Japanese
recruits currently testing the new system, unfortunately he wishes to remain
un-named, as his life would not be worth living if he were found out. So I'm
guessing you want to find out what exactly we're talking about; read on to find
out more!
Firstly, the shape of the system has been altered; the same basic design has
been kept with the addition a wing like shape on each side where you grip the
GBA. Apparently, the design change has been made to give the GBA a more space-age
feel, something that Nintendo designers and executives alike are very proud
of. A slight alteration has also been made to the name. The new version of the
unit will be know as the Gameboy Advanced (note the lack of the space between
the Game and the Boy and the additional 'd' at the end). When we asked for the
reason for this name change our contact informed us that it was due to countless
poorly informed Nintendo fan sites not being able to comprehend the spelling
of 'Game Boy Advance'. Cunningly, our contact also pointed out that the name
informs the consumer that the system is Advanced itself, who would have thought?
However, most important is the new and improved back lit screen; Nintendo's
answer to the Afterburner from Triton Labs. Now you'll be able to play your
GBA at night, on the bus, in the car without having to have a nuclear-powered
light source behind you. The battery life has suffered slightly, but with the
power of a new ultra slim lithium battery you'll be able to squeeze a good half
an hours worth of gameplay time out of it, which will be very convenient for
all those short bursts of gaming. Nintendo have also proposed a portable power
generator for those who play games for longer. This will come in the form of
a conveniently designed strap on backpack to ensure full portability of the
handheld is retained.
Finally, the other major change is the inclusion of two extra face buttons,
as illustrated in the picture below. Our contact informed us that Nintendo made
this decision to enable more SNES ports to be made possible, as the extensive
SNES back catalogue still have many games could be added to the GBA's library.
The Gameboy Advanced is due for release in Japan at the end of
the year, and Nintendo promise an American release in March 2003. No announcements
of a European release as of yet, but our contact hinted at a late 2005 release.
The system will ship in two new brand colour themes 'Pea Green' and 'Carrot
Orange'; part of Nintendo's new healthy eating campaign to promote eating vegetables
amongst the younger generation.
One thing I have failed to mention so far is the new safety cover feature. After
many complaints of screen scratches or cracks Nintendo have the perfect solution;
'The Post-it Screen Protector System™'. Developed by the world famous Post-it
Note company exclusively for Nintendo, this new accessory is easily attachable
and detachable and comes in a wide range of colours from standard yellow to
fluorescent pink. When your system is not in use you simply peel one off and
attach it to your screen - instantly protecting it from scratches. Our contact
also added that the Protector Screen doubles up as a portable note pad. The
work of a genius you say? Yes it is! Here's a demonstration of how the 'Post-it
Screen Protector System™' will work;
So there you have it, I hope you're all excited as we are about
Nintendo's latest hand-held offering, expect more coverage of the Gameboy Advanced,
as it happens, right here.
- John
N.B.: The preceding The "Real" News article
is entirely fake and should not be taken seriously.
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